Meet the World Domination Team!

2010
11.28

World Domination Team

My friend Cathy and I are planning to take over the world.

We’ve been talking about it for a few years now, and like all big projects, this one has its obstacles. Mostly that we’re both pretty busy and she’s in Pennsylvania while I’m in Minnesota, but if I had saved all our Email messages, we’d be halfway finished by now.

But “halfway” is not how we plan to carry out our the World Domination scheme.

We have solid plans for making YOUR life better. Yes, you, Mr and Mrs (and Ms) Average Citizen. Things like bringing back manners at the office, at home and on the road, and returning common sense where so much of it has gone missing. You know: Restoring order to a chaotic world.

That might even be our motto, though that’s still in the planning stages, too. “We Bring Good Things To Life” was already taken, so we’re putting our heads together to come up with something really snappy, relevant, and also cute like us.

One problem is that Cathy and I sort of look alike, so you might have trouble telling us apart, but if you just say “World Domination Team,” we’ll know who you mean. And we’ll issue lots of photos in our World Domination newsletters, too. With arrows!

These are the thing you’ll have to change starting with the introductory first week. World Domination Kickoff, you might call it. (Well, you WILL call it that, considering who’s in charge.)

• People with children will NOT own rotweillers.

• Eventually, no rotweillers anywhere, ever, although the “Good Dog Carl” books are encouraged and Carl will become a black lab.

• RSVP is a fancy way of saying “Let us know if you’re attending or not.” If you get an invitation with RSVP on it, let the sender know if you are attending or not. Geez.

• If you are married or in a committed relationship, don’t sleep with other people.

• Say goodbye to “Two and a Half Men.” We’re takin’ out the trash.

• Ditto for those stupid disclaimer messages read at the end of car and banking commercials on the radio.

• The Christmas season will begin the day AFTER Thanksgiving; not 3 weeks before. This means no carolers, fat Santas, Christmas cards or colorful light bulbs will appear in stores before Thanksgiving. No poinsettias will be allowed in stores until after Thanksgiving, so that they are not half dead by December 5.

• Driving means both hands on the wheel and eyes on the road. You will not apply mascara, eat breakfast, talk on your cell phone or read a novel while driving. Driving is its own reward, and includes goodies like not maiming others on the road because you can’t get up 10 minutes earlier or don’t have the sense to pull off the road to call home to find out which size detergent you should buy.

• There will only be one size of detergent.

• Be patient with old people. With any luck, and assuming you don’t tick us off too badly, you’ll be old some day, too.

We’ve even found a theme song we can use, with a few minor alterations. If you are over 50, you may remember this one:

“Meet Cathy, who’s lived most everywhere,

From Zanzibar to Barclay Square.

But Patty’s only seen the sight.

A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights —

What a crazy pair!

But they’re cousins,

Identical cousins all the way.

One pair of matching bookends,

Different as night and day.

Where Cathy adores a minuet,

The Ballet Russes, and crepe suzette,

Our Patty loves to rock and roll,

A hot dog makes her lose control —

What a wild duet!

Still, they’re cousins,

Identical cousins and you’ll find,

They laugh alike, they walk alike,

At times they even talk alike —

You can lose your mind,

When cousins are two of a kind.”

There are legalities involved in using this song, of course, but we plans to change that, too. Yet problems persist. It’s true that neither of us has seen either Zanzibar or Brooklyn Heights (yet) and we don’t think we are identical cousins (or someone’s dad would have a LOT of explaining to do) but the rest kinda fits. Except for the “matching bookends different as night and day,” which makes no sense at all, but as I said, the World Domination theme song is still in the works.

Well, of course there’s more. We realize it’s a lot to remember.

But don’t worry … you’ll get the handbook.

7 Responses to “Meet the World Domination Team!”

  1. Rosy Bradley says:

    I’m in!! Let me know what I can do to help the team! Looking forward to getting the handbook – then I can say, ‘Look, it says so right here!’.

  2. Kathy T says:

    Can you move thanksgiving to the beginning of Oct? I am tired of wondering if i will be alone with a 16 pound turkey because there is a blizzard. Christmas can still start towards the end of November.

  3. Cathy says:

    Kathy T, I don’t know about that request. I will let my World Domination Partner east of the Appalachian Mountains make that call. Here is Southwestern PA, we just say buy a good snow vehicle or move the dinner to another weekend all by yourself. Sort of a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

    All reasonable requests will be taken under consideration, except if we don’t think they are reasonable. And we are unanimous in that.

  4. Marilyn says:

    Can you start with the 20-somethings I work with who think it perfectly appropriate to wear flip flops and cleavage baring tops to work?

  5. Patt says:

    Marilyn, from what I know about where you work, you’ve got more than cleavage baring tops to worry about. But yes, those things will be in the handbook. I’m keeping notes!
    Patt

  6. Patt says:

    Kathy, A woman with a 16 pound turkey should never be alone! If this happens in the future, give me a call.

  7. Patt says:

    Rosy,
    You know it, sister. I’m waiting for those pointing moments, too. “Right here, Mister Smart Guy. Page 37. Scrape your ENTIRE windshield before driving off into snow. Not just a dinner-sized plate where you face will probably end up because you are so frickin’ lazy.” Saw it on my way home tonight. Idiots.

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